Thomp Thomp Thomp
by Anonymous Nutter
Summary: [evil chuckle] Why? Because I can. [/evil chuckle] ARDETH TORTURE SCENE!


ThompThompThomp   
Summary: I was dared to post this because my friend wanted me to look retarded in public. I could not bear to do it under my usual pen name, so I brought the mayhem to an old account.   


Evy tapped her foot against the kitchen floor and breathed, "Really cute. No power. JONATHAN! Did you blow another fuse, hooking up that bloody blender you're so fond of? If so, get your BUTT down in the basement and flip the fuse box!" 

"Weren't me, Old Mum!" an irritated voice shouted. "If you ask me, it was Ardeth and that bloody curling iron I saw him unpack. Ask him!" 

Evelyn exhaled angrily, crossed her arms and screamed, "ARDETH! GET IN THAT BASEMENT!" 

"But Evy, I do not know how to fix a fuse box," the Med-Jai shouted down the stairs. "We don't have electricity in the desert. We don't even have toilets. We use poopholes." 

That word. That horrid word. Every time he said it, every single bleeding time he said it, she cringed, growled and thought seriously about killing him. He looked for every possible reason to use it whenever he spoke because he knew exactly how much she hated hearing it. "Ardeth, if you don't get down there and fix this, I'm going to stick YOU in a poophole!" 

From Jonathan's bedroom much chuckling could be heard. "She'll do it, too," he warned their warrior friend down the hall. 

"I didn't do it!" Ardeth lamented. "And I do NOT curl my hair." 

"Son of a rabid camel," Evelyn muttered, feeling around the kitchen for the doorway. "Invite him over for a little rest and THIS is what happens. Never fails." 

"Aaaw, Evy, don't be mad," Ardeth begged, sounding closer. 

Evy's eyes widened when she heard a sudden groan, a series of thumping and a frustrated exhale. "Ardeth! Did you try coming down those stairs?" 

From nearby she heard another groan. 

"It hurts, Evelyn. I think. I think I may die from this." 

Evy rolled her eyes and stumbled to where her warrior friend lay sprawled at the bottom of the stairs. Gripping his shoulder and pulling him across the slippery floor towards the basement, she breathed, "You'll be fine. Trust me." 

The Med-Jai whimpered beneath her mean fingers. "But Evy..." 

"WHAT?" 

She could almost see his dark lashes batting. "Kiss it better?" 

"Kiss it better," she huffed, opening the basement door and stomping down a few stairs. "Kiss my big bald booty." 

He groaned again as she dragged him by his ankle down one stair. 

"This doesn't feel very good," he observed, bouncing down a stair and bruising his bottom in the process. "I am not even responsible for this. Your brother is so mean. Always trying to pin things on me." 

Evy yanked him down the final stair, heard him exhale loudly and felt him roll onto his belly. "Remember, Ardeth. When you fix the fuse box, be sure you listen closely and run if you hear it." 

"Hear what?" 

She cleared her throat. "It usually says, '_Wheeeere's my tooooooe._' We've got ourselves a little haunting. Either that or a talking rat. Jonathan can't figure out which." 

"Oh." 

The Med-Jai listened in terror as Evy jumped over his limp, battered body and bolted up the stairs. A loud, omnious and distinctly foreboding clicking sound told him he was now locked in. It felt creepy down here, he thought. "No time like the present," Ardeth breathed, feeling sort of frightened of the dark. "Ah, Evelyn, where is this fuse box?" 

A clatter from across the basement caused him to jump. "Hello? Evy?" 

"We love you, Ardeth! We'll miss you!" sounded from upstairs and he swallowed. "Fix that fuse box!" 

Ardeth picked himself up off the floor and rubbed his pained butt. "The least she could have done was given me a flashlight," he muttered, feeling the wall to his right for a box. Another clatter from across the basement caused him to pause. "Very funny," he bluffed, trying to sound sarcastic. In reality his eyes were as wide as saucers. Plate saucers, not flying ones. _Wheeeeere's my tooooooooe._

Ardeth froze. 

"Evy?" he choked. 

"FIX THAT FUSE BOX!" she yelled sweetly. 

Ardeth inhaled and brushed a web from his path, continuing on. What he did not see was the beer can beneath his foot. With a sudden yelp, Ardeth tumbled to the floor, cracked his kneecap and howled in pain. "Ardeth?" came from the top of the stairs. 

"Evy, help...gonna...die...thing...yelled...toooooooe." 

"Did you get to that fuse box, then?" 

"Uuugggh." 

_Where's my tooooooooooooooooooooooooooe?_ Ardeth started to feel panic well up inside his little pained body. He blinked and thought he felt breath on his neck. "It's going to eat me!" he yelled in warning. 

"Nonsense!" Evy told him. "Fuse boxes cannot eat people. Now get to work, you!" 

He laid there for a few moments, considering what it might be like to lie there indefinitely. Whatever the toemonster did could not be worse than what Evy was doing to him. _Where's my toooooooooooooooooooooe!!!!!!!!!!_ "All right. I'm moving." 

Ardeth pulled his heavy frame up and nearly toppled over with knee pain, but managed to find a wall. Laying his tired body against the wall, he listened in the darkness. "I'll not give in! I'll not be frightened by a talking rat!" 

At the foot of the basement stairs Evy could be heard, tapping her toe again. "That's lovely, dear. Fuse box." 

He shot a dirty look in her general direction and grabbed the wall, startled by a sudden, "Wooooo!" The Med-Jai pulled his hand away and wiggled his fingers, shrugged and continued on. 

"I better get a kiss for this," he murmured, pawing the wall for metal. 

"Ardeth, dear, when you get up here I've got more than a kiss waiting," Jonathan mocked in his best Evy impression. Suddenly there was a groan and a muttered curse. 

Ardeth pouted and continued on. _Where my toe at?_

"Hmmm?" He stopped and pondered this change. 

Another step took him straight into a broken support beam from the ceiling. "Ugh," he said, then fell away to the floor in pain. 

"Are you all right?" Evy hissed testily. 

Ardeth shook his head. 

He could hear it then, clearly. Shuffling towards him, dark and sinister. Continuous and vile. It closed in deviously and the stench of something foul hit his nose. "Evy? Is that you?" 

There was no reply. This was suddenly not worth whatever Evelyn was going to give him in return. "Screw this," he breathed, trying to sit up. His head spun dizzily. 

"Ardeth, are you okay?" Jonathan called from upstairs. "You've got us worried, old friend." 

Whatever was coming after him was getting faster. _Thomp. Thomp. Thomp._ Ardeth frowned and counted on his fingers. _Thomp. Thomp. Thomp. _ Strange, feeling his extremities only produced two legs. There arose two possibilities in this. Either he was dealing with a three-legged toemonster or a one-armed ape. 

_Thomp.Thomp.Thomp._ His assailant picked up the pace in much drama. Ardeth suddenly felt the floor in desperation, got his bearings and pulled himself up from the cold concrete. _ThompThompThomp!_ He could hear it right at his back! Quickly, he raced through this deathtrap of a cellar, heedless to whatever could be in his path. 

A crunch beneath his foot and a twist of his ankle made him curse the day beer cans had been invented. With a low howl he hit the floor again, flattened on his front and a hand hit his ankle. A girl's scream filled the air and Ardeth swallowed hoarsely afterwards. "OMIGOD! IT'S GOT ME!" 

"WHAT?" Jonathan screamed, slamming the basement door shut. 

They had left him. Deserted him to whatever fate he was going to befall. The hand on his ankle climbed up his body with hurtful claws, gripped his shoulders and flipped him to his back. He heard a moist inhale and the slick peel of two lips parting. "Let me guess?" he laughed fearfully, petting the creature on it's head. "Where's your toe?" 

"Toe?" it replied in a puzzled voice. "No, no, no. It's 'Bears can't go'. I've been dying down here. Gottapeeeeeeee!" 

Ardeth knit his brow. "Rick?" 

Suddenly the lights came on and above him he could see clearly his smirking friend. "Got you good, huh?" he laughed, extending his hand. 

The Med-Jai stood up effortlessly, dusted himself off and glared. "You people suck." 

The door at the top of the basement opened to reveal a giggling Jonathan and a smiling Evy. "Aaaw," she purred, coming down and rubbing his shoulders. "Did we scare the poor fearless warrior?" 

He pouted. "The only thing that scares me are your manners." 

"Aaaw," she purred again, messing up his hair. "We love you." 

Then, from the dark. _Wheeeere's my toooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee?_


End file.
